“To get really high is to forget yourself. And to forget yourself is to see everything else. And to see everything else is to become an understanding molecule in evolution, a conscious tool of the universe ” - Jerry Garcia

I travelled away ✈️ to journey with 🌱 at the weekend.

So many lessons learned.

Lesson 1:

Expect the unexpected. 

My journal was full of glib intentions: I’m ready to step into my power. I’m ready to leave old fears, guilt and anger behind me. I am open to the pathway of possibilities.. etc

Lesson 2: 

When you think you’re done, you probably aren’t done.

Honestly this journey brought up more questions than it answered. 

And this is the assignment.

To work through the questions. To do the work. The  🌱 shines a light but you have to walk down it. 

Lesson 3

Be careful what you wish for.

I’d been having unexplained ankle pain for months. I’m due to trek Everest in the spring and was starting to worry about the ankle. The medical answers just didn’t seem to fit the symptoms so I looked up emotional blockages and found ankles are associated with guilt and anger. I honestly couldn’t think what I could have to feel so angry or guilty about that it would manifest as crippling pain but I set the intention to let it go. 

As the medicine started to take hold I felt all the energy whoosh to my sacral. I laughed. Months ago I started reading the book “Pu$$y” and it’s been extremely slow progress. I know I need to pay attention to my feminine power. I understood the message. “I understand”, I said. 

Then things got dark.

And ugly.

Fast.

I was consciously and subconsciously confronted with the very worst and the best of what I’d imagined my friend went through when he died last year. It was part trip, part real as a member of the group got into difficulties. 

And I was terrified.

And I resisted.

And resisted.

And resisted.

I want to get off.

I don’t like this anymore.

This isn’t funny.

I want to go home. 

I fought the medicine for what felt like hours. Curled up in a ball like a child. Wondering what was real and what wasn’t. I couldn’t settle. Was the other person ok? I’d sit up and check and then lie down and close my eyes and he’d become Brad. 

And then came the anger.

And the guilt.

I don’t remember much of this journey, but the lessons always come afterwards. 

The person who got into difficulties suffered because he resisted. I then mirrored this by resisting. 

This was a huge lesson is surrendering and letting go.

I talk a lot about letting go, meeting your edge, stepping through your fear and this was a test I unequivocally failed on the day. The terror I felt knew no logic. There was no talking myself down. It was primal fear. 

But I can still take the lesson. 

I needed to surrender. I knew the other group member was being looked after. I knew my fear was coming from losing Brad not what was real and true in the room. But in the moment I just didn’t have the courage to slide over the edge and trust. 

I felt alone and frightened. I wanted to ask one of the facilitators to comfort me but I didn’t want to take their attention from the person who needed help. I should have asked. Always ask for help.

When you resist you will experience dis-ease. Maybe it’s a painful ankle, maybe it’s having a seizure in a 🌱 ceremony, or maybe it’s frustration and lack of results in business. 

My huge lesson here was to continue down the path of surrender and letting go. To continue learning to be courageous and practising alchemy in motion when shame and judgment surface- which they still do frequently for me. 

On the day I told myself over and over that I was never going to another ceremony. I was never doing it again. But now I know I must face it. I must. 

Most of us are utterly terrified of our own power. Most of us are utterly terrified of what happens if we loosen our grip on control. But I know with complete certainty that everything we desire involves walking through that fire. 

To end on a positive note; there was a lot of love in that room. The best I’d hoped for when I played out Brad dying was certainly also present in that room. I’d just chosen to see the ugliness and let fear and despair take hold. 

And get this:

My ankle pain has gone completely. It’s been awful for months, and it’s totally gone. 

The work is never done.

And I’m here for it.

Gin.

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